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October 11, 2008

Finding and Keeping a Life Partner




Golden rules for finding your life partner. A relationship coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right.

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the ..1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life Bottom-line and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust -i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a meniscus?

Meniscus person is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot do nearly as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage...for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Another perspective... There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.

Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn't really that important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together. Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF
COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain will replace the passion.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

great post..

Tina said...

There are a lot of valuable things said in this post but I do have to disagree with this:
"Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come"
It is very true that it takes much, much more than love to make a marriage work. However, love is still an key ingredient. Having only love keeping you together is like having only bricks and saying you can build a house, obviously you need mortar to hold bricks together, as well as a roof, walls, plumbing, etc. But saying a marriage will be ok because the person has traits you are compatible with even if you don't have any feelings for them doesn't quite seem right. I guess it depends on your definition of marriage; as strictly a legal contract I suppose it could work fine that way. But why else would to people decide to put up with each other for the rest of their lives if they didn't love each other? If it's only a matter of convenience it would be easier to just have a roommate to split the rent with.

Beauty Is Diverse said...

But why else would to people decide to put up with each other for the rest of their lives if they didn't love each other? "

When money, wealth, and land come in to play people will stay with someone in order to be the beneficiary of those things once someone passes on.

Yes I agree that love is important but the reality is people don't always stay in love with someone . And if someone falls out of love with you, you have to let them go.

Unknown said...

Great read. =)

Tina said...

I always thought "falling out of love" was code for "I watched too many romantic comedies and don't actually know what the word means in real life"
But that aside, though all the factors mentioned are important in making a relationship last, the presence of love is often the tipping point in whether it works or not.
Say you and your spouse choose wach other because you feel you each posess traits that would make you good parents for the children you both want to have. Then, you find out you are infertile. Love could make the difference between staying together and being happy anyway, or him dumping you find someone with a working set of reproductive organs to give him a genetic heir.
Yes it is important to consider the other practical aspects that will determine your success in life together, but most people would like to believe they mean more to their spouse than a stable income source, good breeding stock, or a real estate investment

Beauty Is Diverse said...

Tina, I so agree, its just that nowadays I find that people are just saying they love someone when in reality they really don't. To me you can always tell when people truly like or have love for someone and you can always tell when two people are getting into a relationship for the wrong reason.

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